So the purpose of this spots is to be a digital journal or somesuch. A place to write down thoughts and .. well ya.. journal .. about my self exploration and spiritual growth. This last year for some reason was.. a douser. I was having crazy anxiety issues at work, where... I spent hours terrified that at any moment I'd do something horribly wrong, or piss off my boss... or something otherwise terrible that would in some roundabout way end up with me ... no longer having a pay check.
They say that what you resist.. persists.. I guess I need to keep a list of things to clear and keep track of...
I'd had some pretty serious freakouts.. and.. spent a .. _ridiculous_ amount of time, and energy, worrying. It's.. puke inducing to think of just how many hours I made myself sick over these worries. I've been reading the Brain that Changes itself, and I'm fairly certain that I've likely even rewired my brain.. in not a good way.. over all this. So...Not so long ago, I finally got my act together.. I feel likel I've been trying for years .. nearly a decade.. de resolve my self confidence.. and other issues. I finally had a fantastic talk with mom the other night, where something finally clicked. I've been hearing forever the whole.. stop caring about what other ppl think about you.. but this time.. speaking with mom, the whole, get over yourself.. combined with we're here for such a short amount of time.. how absolutely silly it is and sad it would be to waste any time at all worrying about what someone else thinks of you, also throwing in, focus on today, tomorrow will take care of itself. So all those things together.. worked. I think I was worried that I wouldn't have the money to have great adventures.. and mom said .. that if that's all you can think about if you were looking back on your life.. then... 'i'm sorry.. " said in such a way that.. well.. there's really no hope for you .. you need to look back and focus on the joys, what you did accomplish, the love you shared.. and all the adventures in the world, still would not bring emotional fulfillment or fullness in any way.. there's always be ways to want more or feel empty despite achievements. Spend 3 month touring Thailand.. you'll feel you needed to climb mount Everest and be a superstar.. so.. give it up.. enjoy the things you do get to accomplish, and .. that's it. I know there's so much I need to work on, I"m just very bad at taking the time to do it. I've found all of these incredible books .. mainly.. the dark side of the light chasers.. fantastic at helping you understand how to talk to the dark areas or yourself, realising their values and letting them go, Excuse me your life is waiting, how to feel your way to the life you want, ND ESPECIALLY tapping INTO ULTIMATE SUCCESS. That one has a whole few hours worth of work in it I really need to focus on, to get me from a non-trusting worldview to a trusting world view. I keep finding excuses.. and weeks go by.. yet I know I need to and want to do this.. but I just spent the last three days at home... sick in bed.. playing video games on and off.. surfing..and bored.. and .. i am disgusted that I didn't do any of that work. And at least now I realize what ... well.. I know it's a priority.. there will be no good time, and I f don't just DO it.. it'll never happen.. so... I guess.. staring tomorrow.. (far too tired tonight still feeling ill, and know that when I start in on it, it'll be hours? ).. anyway.. SO .. need to start doing an hours work every night. Life homework.. Anyway. Just wanted to write this bit.. I am afraid I was loosing the path I found.. though I'm trying to stay happy and balanced and keep what matters in view (ie.. NOT my job.. or what my TL thinks of me.. bu the truth as I know it of humankind, and that this life is beautiful but it's worries are trivial and short and so very unimportant.. ).. I was drifting away from it.. so I was wanting a bit of a comeback. Also.. need to get myself a copy of the A course in Miracles.. mom keeps referring to that. It must be amazing. So.. not that .. I need an excuse to buy anything else.. le sigh. K.. Tired. And avoidant.
